Pouring Into Your Children

We have one shot at raising and influencing our children. Choices we make about the time we spend with our children, the activities we initiate/participate in with them, and our actions/behavior when with them, have short-term and long-term consequences. 

Consider some choices and consequences I have experienced and observed during my 60+ years on this planet.

When we (spouse and me) were being raised in the 60’s/70’s, our parents worked hard to provide good and safe homes for us. Our dads spent most of their days at their job with what I call ‘normal to them’ engagement with us when at home in the evenings and weekends. Outside of dinner or maybe some help with homework or a discipline issue, there was little involvement in our activities. For me personally, seldom did my dad work with me on sporting activities other an occasional fishing trip or spend time with me (only child) on things in which I had interest (emphasis added). This was a choice he made (knowingly or not) that had a lifelong impact on me, both good and bad. My dad is a good man and father so in my opinion he was simply doing only what he observed with his father and was influenced by what the culture said a father was supposed to do during those times. This said, what were/are the consequences for him and myself? On the good side, I learned what a solid work ethic looks like. I experienced what it looks like to live a life of integrity…he said what he meant and did what he said he would do. I learned how to live within boundaries and I learned about discipline. The most important positive consequence is that I took these characteristics forward in my life.

Before I address the not so good consequences, it is important to note that I own the choices in my life and don’t blame my dad or my mom, but I believe I could have benefited from more involvement/encouragement in doing my best with every endeavor. On the not good side, I didn’t maximize my gifts and talents by cutting corners often and not working hard enough to excel in and out of school. I disrespected my mom in my latter teen years and early 20’s which I truly regret (I later apologized and ask for forgiveness). I was very self-centered and immature when it came to dating relationships which led to several mistakes and significant pain mostly to others.(not proud of any of this!).

Now let’s jump ahead to the 80s/90s when we were raising our 3 children. I will be using our/we in this section since raising children is a joint exercise with my spouse. If either spouse chooses to be checked out (literally or ‘justifiably’ in their mind due to priorities) then there will be short and long-term consequences. An example of a choice with a positive consequence is how we planned and carried out our FAMILY vacations. Our focus was on spending time with our kids and experiencing things with them. I would say that 90-95% of our time while on vacation was with the kids so that we could grow closer and infuse our values into them. We didn’t consider that vacations were a time for everyone (especially mom and dad) to do their own thing away from the others. Now I realize that this may be a foreign concept to many parents who believe they deserve a vacation too. Nope! Really need to check that pity party at the door. As parents, our priority was, is, and should be our children’s growth into upstanding young people and their safe keeping. There will be time for the parents to indulge their own needs down the road…just be patient. Remember we only have one chance to develop deep relationships with our kids. As an aside, My spouse and I went on only three mini-vacations without our children during the first 18 years of their young lives. This isn’t a statement of disappointment or about missing out. Our desire was simply to spend as much time as possible with the kids when we had vacation time. So, what is the positive consequence of this choice? Well, we had the opportunity to learn who our kids were growing up to be, and to assess their character and integrity before they headed off on their own. The bonus is that they all still desire to have a family vacation together every year, which includes all the siblings, their spouses, and the grandkids. My spouse and I were/are committed to making this happen. You can do this too. You simply must make intentional choices to spend time with your family a priority.

To be clear, some of my choices resulted in negative consequences with the kids. Early on in the child raising years before I surrendered my life to Christ, patience was not a strength of mine, and this was exacerbated with the pressure of trying to balance too many priorities that were not in the correct order. I remember a time when I came home from work when the kids were 9, 7, and 5, and we were supposed to be going out to dinner. The kids were not cooperating, and it set me off. I yelled at them leading to them scampering around to get ready. My spouse pulled me aside and said, ‘is this how you want them to remember you…they are afraid of you.’ As you can see, I never forgot being rightfully called out for my unacceptable behavior. My words and tone were hurting my family along with modeling behavior that I wouldn’t want to see repeated by the kids then or in the future. As a point of reference, I never observed my dad yelling at my mom and don’t remember too many times when he yelled at me, so I didn’t learn this behavior from him. This was absolutely a turning point for me in my relationship with my spouse and the kids and God. I made a commitment to be kind and loving when communicating with them especially in tense, directive, or disappointing situations while remaining a firm disciplinarian.

Remember that some things matter and some things don't...let's make the right choice for our family. We must own the consequences of our choices. 

Check out this song to see if the words ring true with you

https://youtu.be/JEJ4-7dk5UI?si=epDC2H938k1qsbUB